1 00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:12,969 Misery on steroids. How many points are you winning by? 2 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,666 -Not many. -How many "not many"? 3 00:00:14,710 --> 00:00:16,407 -203. -What? 4 00:00:19,410 --> 00:00:22,370 [whirring] 5 00:00:22,413 --> 00:00:24,502 Grab a drink, will you? Come and hang out for a bit. 6 00:00:24,546 --> 00:00:26,504 -There's only beers in here. -Well, have a beer, then. 7 00:00:26,548 --> 00:00:28,376 -You're nearly 15. -I'm 13. 8 00:00:28,419 --> 00:00:30,378 -I know. -Hiya, Dad. 9 00:00:30,421 --> 00:00:33,294 -[muffled] Oh, my God! -Good day? 10 00:00:35,861 --> 00:00:37,646 Sorry. Ally. Gabby. Gabby, Ally. 11 00:00:37,689 --> 00:00:39,909 -New face. Hello. I'm Darren. -[chuckles] 12 00:00:39,952 --> 00:00:42,390 -Gabby. -Great name. Well done. 13 00:00:42,433 --> 00:00:43,652 How's the shyness going, Darren? 14 00:00:43,695 --> 00:00:46,046 -Gabby seemed nice. -She is nice, yes. 15 00:00:46,089 --> 00:00:47,395 This Gabby thing is just a symptom 16 00:00:47,438 --> 00:00:50,528 of you not fully wanting to be at home. 17 00:00:50,572 --> 00:00:52,661 Well, what's the fucking point of us being together, then? 18 00:01:10,722 --> 00:01:12,942 Oh. Merry Christmas. 19 00:01:12,985 --> 00:01:15,249 Hi, Carl. Merry Christmas. [chuckles] 20 00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:18,078 Time. [chuckles] Goes past, doesn't it? 21 00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:20,515 It does. Yeah. 22 00:01:21,864 --> 00:01:23,518 The... wreath fell down. 23 00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:25,128 Oh, right. 24 00:01:26,782 --> 00:01:28,218 Yes. 25 00:01:29,611 --> 00:01:30,960 [whispers] Oh, yeah. 26 00:01:34,964 --> 00:01:36,096 [door squeaks] 27 00:01:36,922 --> 00:01:38,402 [exhales deeply] 28 00:01:40,491 --> 00:01:42,624 -[exhales] -[locks door] 29 00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:48,020 [indistinct conversations] 30 00:01:49,979 --> 00:01:52,242 -Here you go. -Thanks. 31 00:01:53,417 --> 00:01:55,680 Uh, sorry. They only had the shit tonic. 32 00:01:55,724 --> 00:01:57,291 That's all right. I can't tell the difference anyway. 33 00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:59,206 -Me neither, if I'm honest. -Mm. 34 00:01:59,249 --> 00:02:00,511 [cellphone chimes] 35 00:02:01,817 --> 00:02:03,558 Luke's at Jacob's for dinner tonight, 36 00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:04,776 and Ava's staying at Grace's again. 37 00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:07,997 Oh, cool. She seems to be coping pretty well. 38 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,999 -Ava? -Hmm. 39 00:02:10,042 --> 00:02:13,350 You don't... honestly think that she's over it, do you? 40 00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:15,657 No. No, I don't, 'cause I didn't say that. I said... 41 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,833 I said she's coping better than we thought she was. 42 00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:21,619 You don't find your granddad seemingly dead from an overdose 43 00:02:21,663 --> 00:02:23,360 and then what, like, 10 days later, 44 00:02:23,404 --> 00:02:26,146 just bounce along with your life again like fucking Tigger? 45 00:02:30,846 --> 00:02:33,501 -So, you think we should wait? -Yeah, I think... 46 00:02:33,544 --> 00:02:36,678 ...if we're gonna split up, like properly split up, 47 00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:39,159 then it would be too much for Ava right now. 48 00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:41,378 So, let's just get through 49 00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:43,032 the next couple of months and see where we are. 50 00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:45,165 -So, wait till new year? -Yeah, may... maybe. 51 00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:46,557 I... I don't know. 52 00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:48,733 I don't know. Maybe we shouldn't split up at all, Paul. 53 00:02:48,777 --> 00:02:51,345 Fuck it. I really don't know. This is down to you, not me. 54 00:02:51,388 --> 00:02:52,476 -Well, it's all down to me? -Yeah. 55 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:53,999 'Cause I had lunch with someone? 56 00:02:54,043 --> 00:02:55,697 Fuck off. I'm not gonna get into this shit again. Not-- 57 00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:58,613 [conversations fade down] 58 00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:07,361 [conversations resume indistinctly] 59 00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:13,454 I... I suppose I could look for a room now. 60 00:03:13,497 --> 00:03:14,977 Uh, might take a while to find something. 61 00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:17,240 A room. 62 00:03:17,284 --> 00:03:19,677 Well, obviously, I can't afford a flat, can I? 63 00:03:19,721 --> 00:03:21,897 Christ, even a box room in a shared house near us 64 00:03:21,940 --> 00:03:23,942 is gonna cost a fucking fortune. 65 00:03:23,986 --> 00:03:26,641 Oh. Well, look, uh... it... 66 00:03:26,684 --> 00:03:29,383 it doesn't necessarily have to be you who moves out. 67 00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:31,123 Doesn't it? I think it does. 68 00:03:35,867 --> 00:03:37,086 [chuckles] 69 00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:48,576 -Who's cooking tonight? -Well, if the kids are out, 70 00:03:48,619 --> 00:03:50,273 then I'll... I'll probably have soup or something. 71 00:03:50,317 --> 00:03:52,841 Great. So, I was going to use up those sausages. 72 00:03:52,884 --> 00:03:56,236 -Yeah, fair enough. Brilliant. -Cool. 73 00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:06,724 [orchestral holiday song playing on car stereo] 74 00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:08,073 Oh, I love this one. 75 00:04:08,117 --> 00:04:10,424 Puts you right in the Christmas mood, don't it? 76 00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,121 It certainly does. 77 00:04:12,164 --> 00:04:13,557 [music continues] 78 00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:15,603 Could you turn it down? 79 00:04:15,646 --> 00:04:18,780 -[music continues] -Sorry. 80 00:04:24,655 --> 00:04:25,613 Great. 81 00:04:28,006 --> 00:04:29,269 -I'm just gonna... -Yep. 82 00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:35,492 [chuckles] 83 00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:44,501 Hi, Mum. Merry Christmas. 84 00:04:44,545 --> 00:04:46,111 You know my position. 85 00:04:46,155 --> 00:04:48,766 I do, but I refuse to let you spend Christmas on your own. 86 00:04:48,810 --> 00:04:51,073 -I really don't mind. -Well, I do, 87 00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:53,989 and anyway, even Scrooge ended up enjoying Christmas. 88 00:04:54,032 --> 00:04:55,730 Only because he was relentlessly bullied 89 00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:58,254 by three ghosts with a socialist agenda. 90 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,517 -Anyway, I'm here, aren't I? -Yay. 91 00:05:00,561 --> 00:05:03,999 Happy Christmas. Ho-ho-ho and all that cock and balls. 92 00:05:04,042 --> 00:05:07,437 -Oh. Happy Christmas, Leah. -Happy Christmas. 93 00:05:07,481 --> 00:05:10,353 Don't worry. He hasn't brought any mistletoe. 94 00:05:10,397 --> 00:05:13,356 -Here you go, Mum. -Thank you. 95 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,532 You don't like Christmas, do you, Leah? 96 00:05:15,576 --> 00:05:18,492 I remember us all being at the kids' carol service once. 97 00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:19,971 You were watching Homes Under the Hammer 98 00:05:20,015 --> 00:05:21,451 on your iPad. 99 00:05:21,495 --> 00:05:23,845 I reluctantly go along with it, Jim, 100 00:05:23,888 --> 00:05:26,674 like those Jersey residents who were essentially good people 101 00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:28,676 but collaborated with the Nazis. 102 00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:30,852 Where are your lovely children, Ally? 103 00:05:30,895 --> 00:05:32,070 Still asleep. 104 00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:35,030 Oh, it's funny how they change, isn't it? 105 00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:36,423 When they're tiny, they're awake 106 00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:38,947 at the crack of dawn on Christmas Day. 107 00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:42,037 Paul used to be awake at 4 in the morning some years. 108 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:46,476 -Did he? I never knew. -No, you never. 109 00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:49,958 -I'll get some snacks going. -Mm. 110 00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:55,485 When we're next in the car, you can show us how... 111 00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:56,747 [conversation continues indistinctly] 112 00:05:56,791 --> 00:05:59,010 [conversation continues indistinctly] 113 00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:03,188 -Happy Christmas, mate. -Yeah. Happy Christmas. 114 00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:05,800 Um... got any whisky? 115 00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:08,498 Only the own-brand stuff. Nothing fancy. 116 00:06:08,542 --> 00:06:10,108 -What is it? -Uh, Glen- something or other? 117 00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:11,893 -No. Uh, what proof is it? -[bottle clanks] 118 00:06:11,936 --> 00:06:14,591 -[inhales deeply] 43. -Sold. 119 00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:18,465 Just the one bottle? 120 00:06:18,508 --> 00:06:20,858 Uh... Let's say two. It's Christmas. 121 00:06:20,902 --> 00:06:22,077 [bottles clank] 122 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:23,295 Cheers. 123 00:06:23,339 --> 00:06:25,733 -Snacks. -Oh, brilliant. 124 00:06:25,776 --> 00:06:28,779 I love food and booze in the mornin'. [chuckles] 125 00:06:28,823 --> 00:06:29,911 -[crunches] -[chuckles] 126 00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:32,000 Well done, Jesus, getting born. Nice work. 127 00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:35,699 We were just talking about lovely Maya. 128 00:06:35,743 --> 00:06:37,571 She's coming over today, isn't she? 129 00:06:37,614 --> 00:06:38,746 Yes, she's joining us for dinner. 130 00:06:38,789 --> 00:06:40,922 Luke sounds very serious about her. 131 00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:43,011 Well, they've been together for 10 months. 132 00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:44,491 I was just telling Jim and Jackie, 133 00:06:44,534 --> 00:06:46,014 Luke couldn't talk about anything else 134 00:06:46,057 --> 00:06:47,407 when he came to see me. 135 00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:50,845 Oh, very sweet. Young love. 136 00:06:50,888 --> 00:06:54,370 -You will miss him now, Ally. -What do you mean, miss him? 137 00:06:55,458 --> 00:06:58,200 Oh, I didn't just say that. 138 00:06:58,243 --> 00:07:00,681 Um... What... What, are those crisps prawn? 139 00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:02,378 Sorry. What's happening with Luke? 140 00:07:04,119 --> 00:07:07,688 I'm so sorry, Ally. I've let the cat out the bag. 141 00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:10,125 And set the fucker amongst the pigeons. 142 00:07:10,168 --> 00:07:13,433 Luke told me he's going to move in with Maya and her family. 143 00:07:13,476 --> 00:07:15,739 No, he's fucking not. Since when? 144 00:07:15,783 --> 00:07:17,262 He said he was going to make the announcement today 145 00:07:17,306 --> 00:07:20,091 -at the dinner table. -Well, no, sorry, that's not... 146 00:07:20,135 --> 00:07:21,441 that's not happening. I won't... 147 00:07:21,484 --> 00:07:24,487 I won't let him move out. He's... He's a child. 148 00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:27,969 -He is 18. -He's an 18-year-old child. 149 00:07:28,012 --> 00:07:30,624 He's not... He's not moving anywhere, 150 00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:32,626 and I'm... I'm not ready to let him go, no. 151 00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:35,324 -Not yet. No. Fucking hell. -Oh. 152 00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:38,632 Maybe he'll change his mind, Ally, or they'll split up. 153 00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:40,372 No, I d-- I don't... I don't... 154 00:07:40,416 --> 00:07:42,462 I don't want that. He loves Maya. 155 00:07:45,073 --> 00:07:47,118 Talking of lost loves... 156 00:07:47,162 --> 00:07:49,164 No, Alex and I have not been in touch 157 00:07:49,207 --> 00:07:52,167 just because it's Christmas. Divorce is divorce. 158 00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:56,345 We haven't remained friends like idiots pretend to. 159 00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:57,999 I'm much happier on my own. 160 00:07:58,042 --> 00:07:59,957 Other people just get in the way, don't they? 161 00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:07,356 Lovely tree, that. 'Cause you... 162 00:08:07,399 --> 00:08:09,793 you used to have that silver plastic one, didn't you? 163 00:08:09,837 --> 00:08:11,839 Up until a few years ago, yeah. 164 00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:13,144 I thought so. 165 00:08:14,450 --> 00:08:16,626 Ah. 166 00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:18,498 Who... Who made this? Is this Luke? 167 00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:20,412 Let me see. Oh, yeah. 168 00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:21,979 He did that at his first nursery. 169 00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:25,766 Oh, the one run by those mad creationist ladies. 170 00:08:25,809 --> 00:08:27,855 Yeah. They were lovely, though, I thought. Not mad. 171 00:08:28,812 --> 00:08:29,726 No. Okay. 172 00:08:32,033 --> 00:08:33,687 Well, kids seemed to enjoy Christmas. 173 00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:35,210 Yeah. Got through it, didn't we? 174 00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:38,387 Yeah, and Ava does actually seem to be doing all right. 175 00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:42,217 Yeah. Settled in at the new school, still mates with Grace. 176 00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:46,134 Talked it all out with my dad. She's, uh, she's good. 177 00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:52,880 [sighs] Right. Fairy lights off? Means we're killing Christmas. 178 00:08:54,011 --> 00:08:55,622 Well, kill it. 179 00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:00,714 [click] 180 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:03,455 [clatter] 181 00:09:07,285 --> 00:09:09,636 So, we're done? 182 00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,681 Feels like we're done, doesn't it? 183 00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:17,165 -I was gonna order a takeaway. -Great. 184 00:09:23,737 --> 00:09:26,740 [choir singing holiday carol on stereo] 185 00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:34,312 You really don't need to help. 186 00:09:34,356 --> 00:09:36,967 Oh, I don't mind chopping a few carrots, love. 187 00:09:37,011 --> 00:09:39,796 It's a big production number, Christmas dinner. 188 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,886 Ay-up, here she comes. Happy Christmas, Ava. 189 00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:45,280 Happy Christmas, Granddad. Hatey Christmas, Leah. 190 00:09:45,323 --> 00:09:47,456 Hatey Christmas to you, too, my darling. 191 00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:50,154 -Happy Christmas. -Happy Christmas, love. 192 00:09:50,198 --> 00:09:52,940 -Is it present opening time? -No, Luke's not awake yet. 193 00:09:52,983 --> 00:09:56,117 -[Luke] Yes, he is. -[Jackie] Oh, my God, it lives. 194 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,293 Ha ha. Hello, Granny. Merry Christmas. 195 00:09:58,336 --> 00:10:00,382 [Ally] Hi. If you guys want some champagne, it's just up there. 196 00:10:00,425 --> 00:10:02,036 -Yes, please. -I'm all right for now. 197 00:10:02,079 --> 00:10:04,952 -I'll just get some juice. -[refrigerator door opens] 198 00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:08,390 [refrigerator door closes] 199 00:10:08,433 --> 00:10:10,305 [indistinct conversations] 200 00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:13,613 Here you go. Gin, tonic, ice and a slice... of lemon. 201 00:10:13,656 --> 00:10:15,789 Ooh. Is this the shit tonic? 202 00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,442 I'm sorry. I didn't ask. 203 00:10:17,486 --> 00:10:19,401 Should I ask? I can never taste the difference. 204 00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:22,622 -I can, but don't worry. -So, you said you had news. 205 00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:24,580 You also said that you had news. 206 00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:27,714 Hmm. Would you like to be the first item on the news, 207 00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:29,629 like a major climate disaster? 208 00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:31,326 Hmm, no, I'll go second, 209 00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:33,894 like "terrorist attack in Madrid" sort of thing. 210 00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:35,896 -Okay. -[chuckles] 211 00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:39,682 Uh, well, my news is actually, uh, romantic news. 212 00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:42,467 Okay. Is this about the amazing Gabby? 213 00:10:42,511 --> 00:10:44,644 -Gabby? -Yeah, Gabby. 214 00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:48,212 Oh, Gabby. No, no, no, no. Um, she didn't really like me. 215 00:10:48,256 --> 00:10:51,476 I mean, she didn't say as much, but I got the impression. 216 00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:53,827 We went on one further date, and when I went 217 00:10:53,870 --> 00:10:55,480 to kiss her good night, she sort of shouted. 218 00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:57,352 Oh, right. Well, that's not good. [chuckles] 219 00:10:57,395 --> 00:10:59,441 No, and she said she saw a motorbike behind me 220 00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:03,053 nearly hit a cat, but not convinced. 221 00:11:03,097 --> 00:11:06,666 Hmm. So what? So, well, then, what's the romantic news? 222 00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:10,713 [exhales deeply] Well, Karen and I are... 223 00:11:12,454 --> 00:11:15,152 -...getting back together. -Really? Well, obviously. 224 00:11:15,196 --> 00:11:16,850 Obvi-- Sorry. Yeah, obviously, really, 225 00:11:16,893 --> 00:11:18,547 'cause you just said it, didn't you? 226 00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:20,549 Well, I know it seems sort of unexpected, 227 00:11:20,592 --> 00:11:24,509 but we just thought it'd be worth another try, you know? 228 00:11:24,553 --> 00:11:26,642 Still a lot of warmth there. 229 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,905 Warmth. Oh. Okay. 230 00:11:28,949 --> 00:11:30,951 That's really great. That's so good. [chuckles] 231 00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:32,387 And the twins are exhibiting 232 00:11:32,430 --> 00:11:34,258 some quite, uh, challenging behavior at the moment, 233 00:11:34,302 --> 00:11:36,260 both excluded from school last month. 234 00:11:36,304 --> 00:11:37,609 -Wow. -And they've each been given 235 00:11:37,653 --> 00:11:40,003 a lifetime ballet-stroke-tap ban 236 00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:41,875 from the London Dance Schools' Association. 237 00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:43,703 -Lifetime? -I know, harsh. 238 00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:46,749 I mean, it's obviously an overreaction, but, uh... 239 00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:49,404 they're not budging on it, so, um... 240 00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:52,537 So you think that getting back together is gonna help this? 241 00:11:52,581 --> 00:11:56,498 Exactly. Two shoulders to carry the burden. 242 00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:57,978 Right, yeah. 243 00:11:58,021 --> 00:12:01,242 No, four. No, we've got two each, haven't we? 244 00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:03,548 -So, what's your news? -[inhales sharply] Um... 245 00:12:03,592 --> 00:12:06,073 Paul and I are gonna split up. 246 00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:12,122 Right. You mean you're... 247 00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:14,516 Divorced. Yeah, yeah. Well, eventually. 248 00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:16,692 We're not gonna tell the kids for... for a while yet, 249 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,739 but, yeah, it looks like... it looks like we're over. 250 00:12:21,566 --> 00:12:25,745 I'm so sorry. What caused it? If that's not... 251 00:12:25,788 --> 00:12:28,617 Oh, a combination of things. It's been coming for a while, 252 00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:32,447 and, um, yeah, we both felt it, but we just had to admit it 253 00:12:32,490 --> 00:12:34,318 to ourselves and then to each other. 254 00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:37,974 Listen, Ally, if there's anything... 255 00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:42,065 ...anything I can do, just give me a call. 256 00:12:43,632 --> 00:12:45,895 Yeah, I think you're gonna have your, uh, hands full 257 00:12:45,939 --> 00:12:49,594 with a big... Karen reunion, aren't you? 258 00:12:49,638 --> 00:12:51,640 Oh, yes, I... yeah. 259 00:12:51,683 --> 00:12:52,946 -Probably will, won't I? -Yeah. 260 00:12:52,989 --> 00:12:54,991 It's gonna be wonderful, I'm sure. 261 00:12:56,993 --> 00:13:01,084 According to my phone, he should be back... now. 262 00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:02,259 -[door closes] -[Paul] Hiya! 263 00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:05,132 [laughter] 264 00:13:05,175 --> 00:13:07,917 Here he is, the shit Father Christmas. 265 00:13:07,961 --> 00:13:09,484 Piss Kringle. 266 00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:12,704 -Hello, Paul. -Hatey Christmas, Mother-in-Law. 267 00:13:12,748 --> 00:13:14,924 -Hello, offspring. -Really sorry you had to go 268 00:13:14,968 --> 00:13:17,318 all the way back to our place, Paul, after bringing us here. 269 00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:19,102 -[sighs] -I'm an idiot. 270 00:13:19,146 --> 00:13:21,844 It's fine. You need your meds now. 271 00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:23,585 Here we are, then, sonny. Happy Christmas. 272 00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:27,023 What a good little Geordie. Right, what we got here? 273 00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:30,374 -Some house keys and medication. -Thank you. 274 00:13:30,418 --> 00:13:33,116 Oh, I also found this, actually, next to the tablets. 275 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,162 Manuka honey. That's medicinal, isn't it? 276 00:13:35,205 --> 00:13:36,511 I didn't know if you needed some. 277 00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:37,599 Oh, no, that's Jim's. 278 00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:39,296 -I don't touch honey. -Oh, Jesus. 279 00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:40,950 It comes out of bees' bum holes. 280 00:13:42,343 --> 00:13:44,301 -Does it? -Doesn't it? 281 00:13:45,389 --> 00:13:47,174 I don't think it does. [chuckles] 282 00:13:47,217 --> 00:13:50,177 Well, whatever. I just don't like the thought of it. 283 00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:52,222 -Yeah. -Thousands of 'em 284 00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:56,313 crawling all over the honey in that tiny space, 285 00:13:56,357 --> 00:13:58,359 and then you're meant to eat it. Ugh. 286 00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:00,230 -No, thank you very much. -Yeah. 287 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:02,537 I love sandwich spread. 288 00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:05,322 Sandwich spread doesn't cure arthritis. 289 00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:07,585 And neither does a 30-quid jar of honey, 290 00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:08,978 you gullible old sod. 291 00:14:10,719 --> 00:14:12,547 I also realized that we didn't have any whisky, 292 00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:14,070 so, uh, I got some on the way back. 293 00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:15,942 Cheap old paint stripper. 43%. 294 00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:18,683 -Oh, magic. Burnin' nectar. -[chuckles] 295 00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:21,861 Right. I'll get this off, and, um, yeah. Presents? 296 00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:22,992 -Yes. Yes! -Yay! 297 00:14:23,036 --> 00:14:24,211 [laughter] 298 00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:27,083 -So, we're saying-- -Oh, oh, mind, mind. 299 00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:30,391 -Dog dirt. -Who still says "dog dirt"? 300 00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:32,741 -[laughs] -Me, clearly. 301 00:14:32,784 --> 00:14:35,048 Do you still say "women's lib" and "continental quilt"? 302 00:14:35,091 --> 00:14:36,658 [laughter] 303 00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:38,181 Someone's got to, don't they? 304 00:14:38,225 --> 00:14:40,401 So, we're saying no lawyers? 305 00:14:40,444 --> 00:14:41,837 Yeah, I don't think we need 'em. Do you? 306 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,057 -I mean, we're reasonable. -Well, you're fucking not. 307 00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:45,536 -[laughter] -No, it's just, 308 00:14:45,580 --> 00:14:49,671 loads of people manage to split up without lawyers 309 00:14:49,714 --> 00:14:53,066 poking their noses in, and they cost a bomb. 310 00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:55,677 Yeah, but actual divorce, like the, you know, 311 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,853 actual sort of legal thingummyjiggy... 312 00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,724 Go on. Go on, Rumpole. 313 00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:02,118 But that's, like, that's further down the road a bit, right? 314 00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:04,599 Yes. I think it goes, 315 00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:08,298 I move out. We have some sort of temporary plan financially, 316 00:15:08,342 --> 00:15:10,735 -the kids and all of that... -Yeah. 317 00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:12,694 ...and then divorce. 318 00:15:12,737 --> 00:15:14,087 Right. 319 00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:15,958 [inhales deeply] Hmm. 320 00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:18,265 -Yeah. -[patron] Thanks, mate, yeah. 321 00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:20,484 [choral music continues] 322 00:15:20,528 --> 00:15:22,269 Is there a Christmas pudding, Ally? 323 00:15:22,312 --> 00:15:24,836 There's one for you, Jim. No one else eats it. 324 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:28,275 That's very kind. Why does no one else eat it? 325 00:15:28,318 --> 00:15:30,930 -'Cause it's rank. -It is rank, Granddad. 326 00:15:30,973 --> 00:15:34,629 Raisins. Brown stuff. More brown stuff. Bits of peel. 327 00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:37,110 One of those things I love the idea of, 328 00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:38,850 but I don't actually enjoy. 329 00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:41,679 -Like marriage. -Precisely. 330 00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:43,290 [doorbell rings] 331 00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:44,291 I'll go. 332 00:15:46,728 --> 00:15:48,164 -Darren. -Yes. 333 00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:50,123 -Come in, mate. Merry Christmas. -Thank you. 334 00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:54,431 -It's just you? -Yes. 335 00:15:54,475 --> 00:15:55,955 Karen's got the twins today. I tossed for it. 336 00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:57,869 [laughs] She lost. 337 00:15:57,913 --> 00:16:00,785 She lost. [chuckles] No, seriously, she did lose. 338 00:16:00,829 --> 00:16:01,961 -Oh, right. Hmm. -Yeah. 339 00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:07,314 [indistinct conversation] 340 00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:09,142 Hey, folks. Look who I found. 341 00:16:11,535 --> 00:16:12,928 Are your lovely girls with you? 342 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,626 No, they're spending Christmas Day with their mum. 343 00:16:15,670 --> 00:16:16,801 Oh. 344 00:16:16,845 --> 00:16:18,455 -Happy Christmas. -Here, let me take that. 345 00:16:18,499 --> 00:16:20,675 Luke, get this man a glass of fizz. 346 00:16:20,718 --> 00:16:23,373 -Oh. -How are you? 347 00:16:23,417 --> 00:16:24,461 [indistinct conversations] 348 00:16:24,505 --> 00:16:27,029 -[chuckles] -Mm. Oh, shit. 349 00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:28,552 -Hmm? -Shit. Behind you. 350 00:16:28,596 --> 00:16:32,730 Bald bloke over there? Porn star in the '70s. Yeah. 351 00:16:32,774 --> 00:16:34,994 -[chuckles] -Nothing hardcore. Just, uh... 352 00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:38,258 The soft stuff, you know, Randy Bin Man on the Job. 353 00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:40,347 Or Confessions of a Project Manager. 354 00:16:40,390 --> 00:16:42,044 -[laughs] That was a sexy film. -Ah. 355 00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:44,003 That was really, really sexy. 356 00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:46,309 -Big, Bald and Bouncy. -Oh, didn't that win the Oscar? 357 00:16:46,353 --> 00:16:48,224 No, they went with Kramer vs. Kramerthat year. 358 00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,661 Fucking idiots. [laughs] 359 00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:53,795 -Hmm. Cheers. -Cheers. 360 00:16:55,579 --> 00:16:56,537 Ahh. 361 00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,498 And we're getting on a lot better 362 00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:04,197 since we decided to split up. 363 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,547 Yeah. Yeah, we are, aren't we? 364 00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:13,771 I'm still really, really angry about... 365 00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:17,862 -Big, Bald and Bouncy. -[laughs] 366 00:17:17,906 --> 00:17:19,342 -[laughs] -Yes. 367 00:17:19,386 --> 00:17:21,040 -He was fucking robbed. -Yeah. 368 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:22,389 I mean, how bald was Hoffman? 369 00:17:22,432 --> 00:17:23,477 -He was not bald at all. -No. 370 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,175 He was the exact opposite of bald. 371 00:17:26,219 --> 00:17:28,699 -Which would be? -Very, very hairish. 372 00:17:28,743 --> 00:17:30,397 -Exactly. Hairish. -[laughs] 373 00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,182 -Christ. -Luke's gonna move in 374 00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:34,923 with Maya's family. 375 00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:36,881 -No, he's fucking not. -That's what I said. 376 00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:38,883 What? Who said he wants to move out? 377 00:17:38,927 --> 00:17:40,450 He mentioned it to Mum, and apparently 378 00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:41,843 he's gonna tell us all at dinner today. 379 00:17:41,886 --> 00:17:43,801 But that's ridiculous. He can't just move out. 380 00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:46,065 No, I know. I'm not ready for him to go. I'm really not. 381 00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:47,762 Well, that's okay, Al, 'cause he's not going. 382 00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:50,852 [sighs] God. I mean, I understand that 383 00:17:50,895 --> 00:17:52,506 he's crazy in love with Maya, and she's... 384 00:17:52,549 --> 00:17:53,942 she's g-- she's great for him. 385 00:17:53,985 --> 00:17:55,248 Best thing that's ever happened to him. 386 00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:56,727 -Yeah. -But still, he's got exams. 387 00:17:56,771 --> 00:17:59,208 He's got a family. Christ, he's already moved out once, 388 00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:00,514 hasn't he? When he walloped me. 389 00:18:00,557 --> 00:18:02,690 -[chuckles] -Then he moved back in. 390 00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:04,605 Then I moved out. It's enough fucking moving out, okay? 391 00:18:04,648 --> 00:18:06,955 He's still little. I mean, he's big, but he's still little. 392 00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:09,349 I'm not finished with him yet. He's like an unfinished project, 393 00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:10,872 like one of your mum's jigsaws. 394 00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:12,265 [laughter] 395 00:18:13,657 --> 00:18:15,703 -Fucking hell. -I know. 396 00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:20,925 Okay, so, so... how are we supposed to react 397 00:18:20,969 --> 00:18:22,362 when... when he tells us this? 398 00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:24,059 'Cause we can't embarrass him in front of Maya... 399 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,278 -Yeah. -...and have him fucking, 400 00:18:25,321 --> 00:18:27,802 you know, storm off and go mental, so... 401 00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:32,981 We've got to be reasonable and practical 402 00:18:33,024 --> 00:18:37,290 and say that we, uh, that we... we know how in love they are. 403 00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:39,988 -Yeah. -But that... [sighs] 404 00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:42,947 I don't know. Talk about how he needs to focus on his exams... 405 00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:44,340 -Right, okay. -...and all that stuff. 406 00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:47,952 Yeah, okay. God Almighty, when does parenting end? 407 00:18:47,996 --> 00:18:49,867 About the time the crematorium curtains close 408 00:18:49,911 --> 00:18:51,782 and the kids have put the house on Rightmove. 409 00:18:59,094 --> 00:19:00,356 [laughter] 410 00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:06,710 -That sounds amazing. -Mm. 411 00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:08,321 It's... How tall is it, Maya? 412 00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:10,018 Uh, it's 38 floors up, 413 00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:11,802 and you look out over Tower Bridge 414 00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:15,023 and along the Thames and yeah, we go every Christmas. 415 00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:17,286 Me, my mum, my dad, and my sister and her lot. 416 00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:18,679 -Oh. -Sounds amazing. 417 00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:20,985 Christmas dinner at a restaurant. 418 00:19:21,029 --> 00:19:22,726 I'm not sure I approve. 419 00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:24,859 Oh, that's because you've never had to cook the bloody thing. 420 00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:26,861 -[laughter] -Well, we're very honored indeed 421 00:19:26,904 --> 00:19:29,342 that you've chosen to be with us today. 422 00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:32,258 -Mum, you sound like a mayoress. -[laughter] 423 00:19:32,301 --> 00:19:33,607 We are, though, Maya. 424 00:19:33,650 --> 00:19:35,043 Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for the world, 425 00:19:35,086 --> 00:19:37,350 so thank you for having me. I really love it here. 426 00:19:37,393 --> 00:19:38,568 -Good. -Can I use 427 00:19:38,612 --> 00:19:40,831 -me pudding spoon for the gravy? -No. 428 00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:42,398 Hang on. I'll get you another one. 429 00:19:42,442 --> 00:19:45,358 It's not soup, Jim. It's gravy. 430 00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:48,796 -It's quite a fine line, though. -Exactly. 431 00:19:48,839 --> 00:19:52,887 -Thank you, love. -Don't encourage him. 432 00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:55,237 [Paul] Come on. We're not gonna get a seat at this rate. 433 00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:57,065 [Ally] Standing room only, like a royal wedding. 434 00:19:57,108 --> 00:19:59,110 -Yeah, or a public hanging. -[laughs] 435 00:19:59,154 --> 00:20:00,677 ...for Darren and Karen, 436 00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:03,811 and it's lovely to see such a lot of people here 437 00:20:03,854 --> 00:20:07,771 to wish this couple well as they join together 438 00:20:07,815 --> 00:20:10,078 and continue their life's journey. 439 00:20:10,121 --> 00:20:13,603 Okay, then, so on to the all-important vows, 440 00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:15,475 written, I think, by-- 441 00:20:15,518 --> 00:20:18,739 Karen. She... She wrote them. 442 00:20:18,782 --> 00:20:20,219 -Excellent. -[under breath] Come on. 443 00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:22,395 -[whispers] Wow. -Okay, Darren, are you ready? 444 00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:23,918 Sure. 445 00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:26,312 -So, repeat after me. -Mm-hmm. 446 00:20:26,355 --> 00:20:28,531 -I, Darren... -I, Darren... 447 00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:31,752 -...promise you, Karen... -...promise you, Karen... 448 00:20:31,795 --> 00:20:34,581 ...to be a faithful partner amid the joys... 449 00:20:34,624 --> 00:20:37,497 ...amid the joys... 450 00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:39,890 To be a faithful partner amid the joys. 451 00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,327 Sorry. [chuckles] 452 00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:45,069 To be a faithful partner amid all the joys... 453 00:20:45,113 --> 00:20:47,942 -Sorry, was it "all"? -No, but it's all right. 454 00:20:47,985 --> 00:20:50,858 And the sorrows of our life together. 455 00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:53,077 And the sorrows of our life together. 456 00:20:53,121 --> 00:20:54,775 [whispers] Don't lead with sorrow. 457 00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:56,907 -Never lead with sorrow. Yeah. -Terrible vows. 458 00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:58,996 They're, like, really shit vows. [chuckles] 459 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:00,607 I will be your rock. 460 00:21:01,608 --> 00:21:03,131 I will be your rock. 461 00:21:03,174 --> 00:21:04,741 I will be your staff. 462 00:21:04,785 --> 00:21:07,266 -I will be your staff. -That means walking stick, 463 00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:09,529 not an actual member of her staff. 464 00:21:09,572 --> 00:21:11,574 -Although... -I will be your lover 465 00:21:11,618 --> 00:21:12,967 and your comrade. 466 00:21:13,010 --> 00:21:15,535 I will be your lover and your comrade. 467 00:21:15,578 --> 00:21:18,581 -Oh, calm down, Stalin. -Your partner in crime... 468 00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:21,671 -Wow. Tax avoidance. -Your partner in crime... 469 00:21:21,715 --> 00:21:24,195 And... your playmate. 470 00:21:24,239 --> 00:21:27,590 -[laughs] Fucking hell. -[Darren] And your playmate. 471 00:21:27,634 --> 00:21:29,984 And I promise in front of the congregation 472 00:21:30,027 --> 00:21:34,205 gathered here to love you forever. 473 00:21:34,249 --> 00:21:37,034 And I promise in front of the congregation 474 00:21:37,078 --> 00:21:40,734 gathered here to love you forever. 475 00:21:42,039 --> 00:21:45,956 [Susie] We are giving each other a second chance... 476 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:49,090 [Darren] We are giving each other a second chance. 477 00:21:49,133 --> 00:21:50,700 [Susie] ...trying again... 478 00:21:50,744 --> 00:21:53,834 -[Darren] ...trying again... -[Susie] ...together today... 479 00:21:53,877 --> 00:21:56,010 [Darren] ...together today... 480 00:21:56,053 --> 00:21:59,318 [Susie] ...and for all the days of our lives. 481 00:21:59,361 --> 00:22:02,364 [Darren] ...and for all the days of our lives. 482 00:22:04,627 --> 00:22:06,934 That was nice. It was a nice ceremony. 483 00:22:06,977 --> 00:22:08,327 -Very sweet. -Susie did great. 484 00:22:08,370 --> 00:22:10,416 -I really like her. -She's good, isn't she? 485 00:22:10,459 --> 00:22:12,374 Yeah. So how long do you give 'em? 486 00:22:12,418 --> 00:22:13,636 -As a couple? -Yeah. 487 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:16,073 -[blows raspberry] Six. -Months? 488 00:22:16,117 --> 00:22:17,858 No, minutes. They're fucking doomed. 489 00:22:17,901 --> 00:22:20,034 -[chuckles] -[inhales deeply] 490 00:22:20,077 --> 00:22:22,166 And are we undoomed now, do you think? 491 00:22:23,298 --> 00:22:24,430 [sighs] 492 00:22:25,866 --> 00:22:27,520 Okay. 493 00:22:27,563 --> 00:22:32,655 Ally, I need to tell you... I'm sorry. 494 00:22:32,699 --> 00:22:34,875 -I did fancy Gabby. -[gasps] 495 00:22:34,918 --> 00:22:37,051 Clearly, I did. Clearly, I did. 496 00:22:37,094 --> 00:22:39,488 -[sighs] -And I lied to you. 497 00:22:40,924 --> 00:22:42,883 I thought it was this kind of fun, 498 00:22:42,926 --> 00:22:47,844 uncomplicated world, and I really liked it, okay? 499 00:22:47,888 --> 00:22:51,631 So, without getting too Nuremberg trials about it all... 500 00:22:51,674 --> 00:22:53,720 -You fucker! -...I'm sorry. 501 00:22:53,763 --> 00:22:56,157 You sorry fucker. 502 00:22:59,029 --> 00:23:00,422 -Do you forgive me? -No. 503 00:23:00,466 --> 00:23:01,597 Fuck. 504 00:23:05,079 --> 00:23:07,690 So, what do you reckon we do now? 505 00:23:09,823 --> 00:23:11,259 Well, I think we carry on 506 00:23:11,302 --> 00:23:14,349 believing that we're going to split up because this is 507 00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:16,395 the best that we've got on in fucking months. 508 00:23:16,438 --> 00:23:18,571 I agree. I agree. 509 00:23:21,269 --> 00:23:23,010 -Let's split up. -Let's split up. 510 00:23:24,968 --> 00:23:27,493 -Do you want some more? -Mm. Thank you. 511 00:23:27,536 --> 00:23:30,713 -That was so delicious, Ally. -Yeah, Mum, that was amazing. 512 00:23:30,757 --> 00:23:32,106 Um, are you sure you don't want some wine, Maya? 513 00:23:32,149 --> 00:23:34,064 -Oh, no, no, I'm fine, thanks. -Mmm. 514 00:23:34,108 --> 00:23:36,023 Does nobody else want any of this Christmas puddin'? 515 00:23:36,066 --> 00:23:37,416 It's delicious. 516 00:23:37,459 --> 00:23:40,244 Stop trying to push your pudding onto everyone. 517 00:23:42,986 --> 00:23:44,727 Did that sound a bit rude? 518 00:23:44,771 --> 00:23:47,774 -[laughter] -A bit rude, yeah. 519 00:23:47,817 --> 00:23:49,863 Christmas pudding. Love a bit of Christmas pudding. 520 00:23:49,906 --> 00:23:52,822 There we go! Good on you, Darren. 521 00:23:52,866 --> 00:23:55,259 Oh, listen, there's loads of this trifle left. 522 00:23:55,303 --> 00:23:56,783 -Who needs some? -Oh-- 523 00:23:56,826 --> 00:23:59,089 I need to say something, actually. 524 00:24:00,351 --> 00:24:02,658 -All right. Okay. -[Jim chuckles] 525 00:24:05,879 --> 00:24:07,358 -It's all gone really quiet now. -Ah. 526 00:24:07,402 --> 00:24:09,056 [laughter] 527 00:24:09,099 --> 00:24:10,666 Um... 528 00:24:10,710 --> 00:24:14,278 I need to say that I am gonna be moving in with Maya's family. 529 00:24:18,674 --> 00:24:20,763 Are you? Okay. 530 00:24:20,807 --> 00:24:23,244 And have you thought about this, love? 531 00:24:23,287 --> 00:24:25,159 Yeah. Yeah. 532 00:24:26,682 --> 00:24:28,989 I'm really sorry to be stealing him away. 533 00:24:29,032 --> 00:24:30,556 I know you'll miss me being around. 534 00:24:30,599 --> 00:24:32,862 It's just I think that it's important that we're together. 535 00:24:32,906 --> 00:24:35,865 Uh, look, we... we know how much in love you both are, 536 00:24:35,909 --> 00:24:37,476 and that is brilliant-- 537 00:24:37,519 --> 00:24:40,783 Thank you. We are. But also... 538 00:24:44,265 --> 00:24:45,222 I'm pregnant. 539 00:24:48,399 --> 00:24:51,402 Yeah. That's... That's the main reason. 540 00:24:51,446 --> 00:24:53,013 We're... We're gonna have a baby. 541 00:25:00,542 --> 00:25:02,196 Fucking Nora.